>100 footprints per day

accumulating to almost 900 over this week…

關心還是八掛？i dont care

thanks for supporting

but what we wrote was not a joke. this is not foul play. this is not for fun.

we wrote this out of rage. out of distress. and out of agony

so please dont just laugh and be amused.

please be warned. and be alerted

i dont hate him anymore. because it had been more than a year. but i still feel agnoized when thinking about him. because the experience was too painful. it was a suffering. and i was only a classmate

you have to believe his influence. acknowledge his repulsiveness. and accredit his power to annoy.

trust us, from our experience.

because, he is a real pk.

forgive my language, but i was quite upset to hear of chin chin’s suffering. and honestly, there are no better words to describe this person. he is a real pk.

he was the nightmare of my year 5. i had never hated a person so wholeheartedly. and i guess i made my point in this entry 1 year ago: http://www.xanga.com/chilene/488786163/no-regrets-.html  he was the bastard of our class. he is a real pk

i know my whole class of M05 is safe from him. because we all know he is a pk. but there are so many other people who dont know yet. i just feel that all girls should be alert about this pk. and all people working in our field should be cautious about this pk. anyone who comes across this person is having bad luck. because he is a real pk.

my dears. beware of this person. its for the sake of your own protection. because he is a real pk

chin chin, please recover soon. you are better off without him. i understand how much you had suffered. and your suffering should be far more intense than what i had. i was just a classmate, the assigned partner during lessons. but you had a relationship with him. hatred is unhealthy. it makes you go insane and makes you suffer even more. but time will help. and breaking up with him is definitely the best treatment. remember, we all support you. we are all on your side. because he is a real pk

recover. be strong. live happily. and lead on with your life. ignore him. and forget about him. this is the best revenge, if this is what you want now. but more importantly, this is the best present to yourself ever. and after a while, you will gradually forget about this person. and feel nothing for this person. you might even forgive this person. because you pity this person. he is pathetic. he is hopeless. he has no insight. and he has no treatment. he is for DNR. but not TLC, because he has no friends. and everyone knows: he is a real pk.

my “no regrets” post. honestly i am quite proud of what i did. and i guess my classmates applauded my action. as i said, i was really angry when i heard it from myles. what he said about me. really angry. but true, for maybe 1 minute. then before the dinner was through, i sort of knew what i want to do. i wasnt angry any more. rather my mind was busily plotting on what i should do. i spent another few days to plan my move and organize my points and ideas. and on the day after dragon boat, i wrote it. it went through a bit of editing but i was so proud that i wrote it. 1500+ words. and even more proud about the commotion and reaction i was getting. ha. i just hope he gets the message. and that is: f*ck off.

i guess my previous entry did create some commotion among my class. people were asking me about it and i guess more had read it. actually that was what i intended in doing. as for me, i am reading it again and again. because it really has some healing effect for me. its my ventilation after one whole year of suffering. its my retaliation. and i hope its the closure to this thing. this relationship with him. i was also soothed by the comments left by my classmates. ma ma also left me an SMS too. i guess thats what i needed. recognition. recognition of my suffering. sometimes people ask me why i am so angry with him. its because they dont understand. i just want people to know. although i think most of them know already, even before my entry, even before year 5. that he is a pk. i just want to give eveyone real proof. but ultimately, my reason of writing the entry, is to send him a message, and that is: dont f*ck with me.

i was leading my own life, my peaceful little life as an HO across the harbour. and you have to irritate me. even after one whole year of telling you to f*ck off. you still have to irritate me. you should know what i can do. you should know what i am capable of. but you still have to do it. you still have to come and bite me. why? havent you had enough? you want more? then i will give you more. you are so f*cked up.

i am amazed how this person can still affect me after one whole year. even not seeing him and severing all contacts for one year. current HO at QM medical. to be surgeon at PWH. better known as “dee dee” in our group or 大帝 (the great king). the reason of my agony of specialty clerkship. the menace of my year 5. the “present” M05 and michael (ban cheung) gave me for specialty clerkship grouping. i had always stressed that M05 should give me a prize for taking this person as partner for one whole year. a compensatory prize for my great sacrifice. my suffering in return for the relief of all other girls in class.

anyways, i heard this statement about me lately. he said i hated him so much because he didnt show interest in me for the past year. because he didnt “chase” me …………………………………………………

i was really angry to hear it. really angry. but, angry for maybe 3 minutes. because i suddenly felt enormous pity for this person. he had to derrogate others to build his image. as usual. so typical of him. because he had no image at all. and in a desperate move he had to tell one lie and another to try to build an image. how pathetic. and i was even less angry when i heard other people’s reaction to this statement. disbelief of its ridiculosity. hilarous for its absurdity. i realized i dont need to be angry at all. i dont need to take this seriously at all. i have dear friends who know me and believe me. i have 5-year classmates who know him and would disregard him. and those who believed in this rumor are probably unimportant people that i dont care.

nonetheless, its so typical of him. and it reminded me of the reason for my distress and agony during specialty clerkship. this person. this pathetic attention-seeking person who wanted to be the most popular guy in class. but the actual fact was quite the contrary. this miserable person with multiple personality disorders. he, on the first day of meeting a girl, i.e. me, would ask ”how much do you weigh?”. and on the first day of meeting a boy(ah lau) would say, as if its a joke ”you have kidney failure (impotence)??” he would address katie, the repeater of our class as “big sister” in a disrespectful manner. he regarded joanne as “his personal secretary”, and commanded her to take notes for him… he really had the ability to say things that disgust/ annoy/ irriate anyone/ everyone. he arranged an extra lesson with Dr J Ko during psychiatry clerkship and then attended it himself without telling anyone. and then he had to gloat about it afterwards of how much he learnt and how interesting it was. he had already fulfilled his 10 deliveries during OG clerkship, but still invited himself to other peoples’ sessions without their permission. he practically robbed anna’s delivery when she only had 3 and needed 7 more to go. he clerked the potential cases for medical clerkship CCT and still hadnt uploaded the information onto the web at 1130pm the night before the exam. he promised to mail MRCS applications for his best buddies (christopher and simon, although they dont take him as their best buddy), and ended up only mailed his own. and of course, as usual, he had loads of explanations for the above acts. reasons. confessions you must hear. defence of his innocence. but we all knew his character and we no longer listened to his stupid reasons. in dismay, he would act like an innocent little sheep who was accused, misunderstood and condemned wrongly….. gou meng. help me 

and how i dealt with him for the past year…. of course, i tried to bear with him. but it couldnt last a week. i was too annoyed. then i tried to let him know my feelings politely using social cues such as glances, comments. but these were obviously ineffective. eventually, my annoyance heightened and my tolerance exceeded its limit. in the end i had to confront him. i still remembered that half an hour when i was on the phone talking non stop, pointing out how disgusting and annoying he was, listing examples and incidents that he couldnt deny. that was a magical hour. i was rude and mean but i felt so relieved. then, feeling that i had been too extreme, i wrote him an email to apologize. but i again illustrated and listed examples of how he disgusted us and annoyed us. how he demanded respect from us when he showed no respect to himself and anyone. he replied my email the next day, telling me he would try to change. i was glad we communicated, and things seemed fine for a while. but then, at 930am on the day after paedi CCT. i was still in bed, sleeping. he phoned me and asked me if i had time for a drink. my reaction of course was no. because i didnt see why i want/need to meet him for a drink. but he insisted he had something to tell me. and he started to tell me about his family… his fathers’ business… his mothers’ family… his growing up…. how he really wanted to be popular…. how he wanted himself to look good so he spent the night before thinking of what to wear and matching his clothes… he said he was so stressed during these 5 years in medical school… stress stress stressed out…. but sorry, i didnt buy it. because i believed everyone was stressed out. everyone had their own problems. stress is not an excuse. and i told him dont bullshit with me….. and so, he started to cry… no… sob…. on the phone… to me… at 930 in the morning… day after paedi CCT…. while i was still in bed… a 25 year old guy…. sobbing to his girl classmate………….. i really wanted to slam the phone. but at that point, i guess anyone would have some sympathy. even a cynical, mean person like me. i pitied him. so i held onto the phone. and listened. and he kept on crying… in the end, i had to comfort him…. i told him gently he should try to find ways to relieve his stress. and he told me he like to swim and play the violin…. then he told me he was frustrated because he knew he was not popular in class. he thinks that people misunderstood him. so i tried to sound encouraging and told a white lie that he could change it. so long as he changed his behaviour first. i told him that people will forget and people will welcome him again…. i felt as if i was pampering my younger brother. only my bro was 4 years younger and this guy was 6 months older than me…. anyways, after this incident, he did seemed to be silenced for a while. but personality never change. and soon the menace was back. even angels like lappo was annoyed and lost her cool with him. even compassionates like samuel and sing finally understood why i was so frustrated and angry. in the end, my ultimate way of dealing with him, after one whole year of experience, trial and error and actual experimentation. the most effective way to deal with him, was to ignore him completely. completely. neglect his presence. disregard him. dont talk to him. act as if he doesnt exist. then there will be less chance, a slightly less chance  he could annoy or irritate you. in the end, i guess he was terrified of me. i was so obvious with my animosity. my presence meant his disappearance. and my glare would shut him up (but not effective everytime, unfortunately). who is the victim? him? me? i dont know. but its definitely a lose-lose situation, and i guess both sides suffered.

this incident reminded me of that year. specialty clerkship. year 5. my blog had been a record of it. people around me had been a witness to it. and i believe its time to make a closure. i had suffered. and i had been in agony. i had been impolite. and i had wronged. i prayed. and i tried. but sorry, i couldnt be friends with this person. as joyce taught me which i always remembered. you cant be friends with everyone… i dont hate him anymore. i dont need to. because i dont need to have anything to do with him anymore. he was a classmate. he was a groupmate. and that was history. the memory may be painful and miserable. but the memory also reminded me of the support and love from my groupmates. every one of them. every memory of Mr D was attached with a good memory of how my groupmates and classmates helped me. thank you. i was so lucky to have so many good friends. they helped me through this. they supported me through this. and because of their love and support, i now can deal with this sudden attack. this unexpected assault myself. i am not angry. and i am not affected anymore. i am fine, very fine, thank you.

spoke to rosie on the way to DK today….. and i so understand her… or i should probably say someone finally understands me…. i guess ionly rosie and lappo understands: he is sooooooooooo disgusting! 

no one really understands. and worse is others think that we have a problem. e.g. samuel kept telling us to forgive him, not to mistreat him etc etc etc……. but just try to spend some time with him and you will know…………. what do you hate most about others saying about you? what is your painful spot? he will say it. and he thinks he is funny, and you get sooooooooo angry that you have palpitation and flushing and tremor etc. you get soooooo angry that you dont know how to react. then he will act that he is sorry and explain and explain and explain. even if you dont want to listen. he will explain explain explain. his lame reasons. made me more angry to hear those lame reasons. and he will continue and come up with explanations such as he had so much pressure these years, he came from a poor family, he failed once in year 3 etc etc etc…. and after the explanation, the conclusion is that its not his fault. then whose fault is it? the society? mine? those who dont understand will say at this point at least he tried? at least he apologized? forgive him la!!!……………………………….

NO ONE UNDERSTANDS!!! he will act as if he was the victim, coz we always penalize him, coz we mistreat him and he will be the poor little sheep. the innocent little sheep abused by us. but he never think of what he did in the first place!!! and due to the reactions of the people who dont understand, i end up pondering: am i really mistreating him? why do others also think i mistreat him? did i do wrong? what have i done? is this my problem? why do i have a problem? why do i hate him? why is there so many hate?

DO YOU UNDERSTAND? this is my conclusion after 1 year. this, is my experience. and this, is my emotional rollercoasters this past year. constantly living in disgust. constantly living in hate. constantly living in torture. sigh. but now i have grown. i have matured. and please listen to me. i have found the solution: JUST IGNORE HIM! i mean totally ignore him, as if he dont exist. dont talk to him. dont initiate a conversation. and dont even think of answering his conversations. dont listen to anything he says. that is what i mean by ignore him. treat him as invisible.

but because no one understands, no one listens to me. they continue to provoke him and he continually say things that hurt ppl. “luckily” i have confronted him so harshly that he is  really scared of me. and he wont dare say anything about me. not to mention talk to me. i am sorry, i dont mean to treat him like that but i have to. its for my self protection. if not i will go crazy….. i mean continue to be crazy, coz i believe i was already crazy some time earlier. now, i guess i am safe. i guess i will be safe. and, like rosie, i will continue to countdown to the time when i can rid him from my world FOREVER.

i really hate him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! help me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! he played violin for 2 hours last night!!!!!!!!!!! chee sin ga??????? but sigh… i guess maybe because i hated him and had prejudice against him. no matter what he does irritates me. i wrote a note saying: dear hallmate, can u limit yr performance time to 1 hour? even though u dont need to rest, our ears need to rest…. from a hallmate. i walked to his door with the note and i wanted to slip it in or stick it on his door… but in the end i didnt…. i thought about what he said in his group email last night, that he looks into the mirror everynight and he hates himself and wants to kill himself… so probably he really wanted to kill himself and violin playing is his way of relaxing and expressing. i have no right to stop him. i need more love. more tolerance. more empathy. and more patientce…. and i am already 5 rooms away…. those who are next to him havent complained yet, so who am i to complain???? sigh……………… but anyways, felt a bit better after sharing my frustration with the others in the pantry just now…. but i fear what i have done today i.e. telling the others… would only make the situation worse. he will definitely be mocked at tomorrow. sigh…. and then he will think he is the victim again…….. am i being too too mean to him? i just dunno……….. i only know that even though he is not my partner anymore and i am living 5 rooms away from him, i still hate him !! why is there so much hate? it is so tiring

if u r reading my xanga, then try reading this: please do not always think u are the victim. and u have so many excuses for all the things. nothing is your fault. so i guess its all our fault? my fault? the society’s fault? oh, how pathetic. i really sympathize you. but sorry, i cant help you. coz if you want to save yourself, you have to help yourself first. if u dont help yourself, no one will and no one can. so please, try not to think that u are the victim. 

do you know of the fun of being ignored? as if u dont exist? no one can prove your existence. only u yourself can prove your existence. if u know u exist, u do. if you think u dont exist and u try to make yourself exist, then i guess u dont even worth existing.

today i went to kwong wah hospital for lessons. i attended the grand round and also had the afternoon session with 4 CU year 4 students. unbelievable things happened and today was really… unbelievable!!  anyways, i left kwong wah hospital feeling happy, relieved, encouraged, yet a bit worried and scared….

i have just written an email to the department of surgery requesting for change of partner in the following clerkship. Lappo, my dearest dearest groupmate had offered to switch partners with me. THANK YOU LAPPO! you are the nicest person i had ever known. thank you thank you thank you. but still, dont know if the surgery dept would allow it. but  i was really touched when lappo gave me this offer. its such a great offer! such a great favour! out of so much love. and her reason was that she was worried i may not be able to go through it with him. and she said i have been with him for 3 clerkships and she would not mind to “ding” 1 clerkship for me! oh lappo, thank you very much. even if the faculty wouldnt allow it i am still eternally grateful for this offer. thank you thank you thank you : ) how can ppl be so nice! and she has so much love! i feel so loved. and so honoured. and anna has also offered to switch rooms with me so i dont need to be in the room next to him. thank you thank you thank you! i am eternally greatful. i felt so loved

after a few weeks of paediatrics clerkship, and whilst i was in a different group, did i re-learnt that going to school can be fun and enjoyable. sigh…. i understand its important to get along with ppl you go to school/work with and to accept different opinions and personalities. i have prayed for love and power and also seeked help from friends and groupmates. but sorry, the efforts were in vain…. sigh…. and i was in great distress to think i have to be partners with him again in the next rotation…. thank you lappo. i am so grateful. eternally grateful. thank you thank you thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i had Dr TC Pun for OPD today. he obviously recognized dee dee and he continued inching dee dee from last grand round. so funny! i couldnt hear all of their conversation, but here are some fragments: Dr Pun: “come on young man, you dont listen to me? where did you read this from? you have a DOCTOR standing right in front of you. you dont believe me?…….. you are the star of the morning. Right, alexander?”

i just couldnt stop smirking : ) bursted into giggles for several times too…. and couldnt stop giggling to myself when i was on my way home. hahhahahah

i think i am sooooooooo sick. my happiness is built on the misfortunes of dee dee…. hahahhahaha but its really funny… to see him tao dup dup in front of Dr Pun!!! i really like Dr Pun!

our whole gp’s life is around dee dee also. its so sick…. anyways, rosie showed us an email this morning. the email was actually an apology email to anna for the “robbing” incident, but was cc to rosie. and it was so…. dunno how to say it… so trashy and phony. Quote: “i know i was very defensive on the stiff and blunted reprimand by the onlookers” and ” i know i am not well received in the group” and ” i hope you will …(forgot the word) support me……” chee sin!!i think he is really chee sin! and he doesnt read the world as we do? he is really autistic….. all these fancy words just exaggerate his lack of insight and knowledge on the condition. the best way for him to live is to shut up and play low profile. please act like you dont exist.